The Blog Of Bex. Like sex, but with a "B".

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Party Chit Chat

I met a very interesting woman today. We were at a luncheon and were seated across from one another at a long table. She introduced herself to me and we began chatting. Suddenly, things got weird:

Her: This egg salad sandwich is YUMMY.

Me: Mine, too! There must be relish in here....

Her: Speaking of eggs, I have endometriosis.

Me: Oh man, that sucks. I have a couple of girlfriends who have it, too. (the men at the table are now slowly scooting their chairs away from us while I bat my eyes at them, silently imploring "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF!")

Her: It's VERY painful. I had cysts on my uterus AND cervix. I also have boils taken out from time-to-time. It really sucks.

Me: Ummm...yah, I'd imagine. Oh! Not to change the subject or anything, but did you SEE the cake over there!!! Wow!!

Her: I like cake. It reminds me of my ovaries.

Me: ......eh.... So...I hate to change the subject again, but I'm dying to know: what do you do for a living??

Her: I'm a Matron.

Me: Is that like a Patron, but a chick?

Her: No, that's like a Matron. As in a Prison Matron.

Me: [some unintelligible noise leaves the bottom of my throat as I look at her with curious horror, knowing that I'll never be able to stop her from telling further horrible truths about her life.]

Her: Yep, I do full body cavity searches on female prisoners for a living.

Me: Cavity searches...that means that... [and then silence as I automatically begin imagining the women I've seen on the TV show 'Cops' naked with their cavities exposed. Suddenly the egg sandwich was slowly rising in my throat, inexplicably trying to return to my mouth.]
Parties are kind of overrated.

7 comments:

Jormengrund said...

Egg salad...

yeah, just not gonna go there Bex.

but it did cross my mind..

unfinishedrambler said...

Yeah. Overshare. Not cool. I hate to admit it, but I would have bailed on you too.

kc said...

WTH? Did she get no raising at all? I bet her mother is ashamed. Maybe you can't blame her though - how can you practice good manners if all you're doing is checking orifices for contraband all day?

Diesel said...

That ain't right.

Bex said...

Jormengrund - Thanks. I'm always nervous when sitting near anyone who is eating egg salad, although I love it myself.

Unfinished - That's the thing - bailing is MY trick! I'll roll any poor SOB under the bus, when given the chance.

KC - She was also wearing a dark purple fake silk blouse, black skirt, black tights and WHITE mary jane shoes. It was a kind of "short bus" look.

Diesel - Fo shizzle.

leigh said...

uhhhhh...ewww.

oh, and i KNOW it's been a while since i was blogging regularly, but you should at LEAST check my blog every once in a while.

Bex said...

Leigh - welcome back to the game, Baby! And thanks for the link. Maybe that'll inspire me to get off of my ass and write something new!!